Avoidance as the Real Suffering

(Adapted and update from my original dream journal blog, early work- 2011)

Girl on Stairs | Laura Smith-Riva - 16x20 oil on canvas

Did you ever feel like something was taken from you; something beautiful and free, some part of yourself that inexplicably went missing. How many of us, as children, have had bits and pieces stolen from us, pieces stripped from the bone of our souls? We turn to the human “God” animal, for love and support and we experience judgment, criticism, disinterest, or sometimes violence. Our true self slowly or abruptly sinks away, goes underground, into hiding and we don’t even know it. Occasionally we might experience the aching feeling of loss which we try to avoid at all costs, with booze, drugs, relationships, pursuit of wealth, shopping, work, causes, and all manner of other distractions. In my early dreamwork practice, as I began to experience feelings of pain and loss, my instinctive inclination was to jump away. I would think if I went to the feelings of loss and the accompanying grief, I might disappear in it. I will suffer; it will hurt. I never saw that the real suffering was in the avoidance.

In many dreams, I explored the occurance of fear and desire around being in my creative, expressive self and found many opportunities to question old stories and and explore new possibilities in my waking life. If, when we are little ones, our creativity isn't allowed to properly express itself or it isn't prioritized or, even worse, it is discouraged or punished, we may develop a story that says we are not creative or that being creative will result in harm. A hurt arises out of this suppressed natural human trait. We become afraid to even try because we don't want to experience this "hurt" or we are worried what others will think. We have the desire, and the excitement is there, yet something so deeply rooted in us causes us to turn away.

Dream: I am at a art gallery opening with some of my dreamwork community. I have a painting that I am supposed to hang in one of the rooms and I am supposed to write something to go with it. I go into the room, but everything is a mess. I see another room with a bunch of paintings on display and so I go in there and hang the painting. I tell my friend it is just to see how it looks. We go in the other room and I say it’s a mess and we start cleaning it up. Later I look in the room and I see my painting with a bunch of others. It is a monochromatic red painting with a series of large spheres tumbling down that are all connected by a ribbon. It looks really cool, but I don’t recognize it anymore and I think maybe it’s not really mine.

In the dream, I am excited about having my painting displayed, but I don’t think I really belong in the big room. Yet, I hang it in there anyway. Then I worry about being judged harshly and jump out of the desire and excitement into my “busy” mode. From that place, I cannot even recognize my painting anymore. The simple truth is that it is scary for me to be on display as the vulnerable, creative girl. The story I carried was that I am neither of those things.

To visit the feeling of fear around being the vulnerable, expressive girl brings up a deep pain. This is the pain of loss, the part of me that was taken and became so tied up in a story that is not true. It is so difficult to break away from the dark voices which whisper “ you suck…nobody is interested…you don’t belong…what a show-off…you look like a fool…it's a waste of time...it's not productive...”. These are the voices which seek to keep me separate, aloof, and cringing under the lash of contempt. To let go of all of my reasons to avoid, is to let go of the story.

The dreams reveal the truth and what continues to come up in my dreams is my desire and my passion. What I desire is to find that which was lost; to find it, without reservation or recrimination, but with acceptance for what is authentically true: that we are born out of a creative force and we carry that creative potential in our bodies, our hearts, our minds and our souls. Expressing ourselves creatively is a natural part of being human. The dreams can help show what stories and ideas block this in us and support us in recovering this part of ourselves.

Girl with Water Droplets by Laura

You can see all of the dream inspired art that arose out of my work with dreams here: Laura's Dream Art

Laura Smith-Riva is a Natural Dreamwork practitioner, teacher, and practicing Druid whose work focuses on dreams as a pathway to self discovery, creativity, and personal transformation. She guides individuals and groups in exploring dreams as meaningful experiences rather than symbols to be decoded, integrating nature-based spirituality and contemplative practice. She is also an artist and writer inspired by dreamwork and the natural world. Are you ready to find that which was lost?